Two and a Half Detectives
by KittyOnAKeyboard
Summary: Sherlock has always hated children. But when he and John are given the task of raising Alberta-Jane, a mischievous 4-year-old, he soon learns that there are always exceptions to any rule. Together, he and John battle colds, tantrums, birthdays, school, outings and holidays, and with each new day they learn a little bit more about what it means to give.
1. Chapter 1- It's How the Cookie Crumbles

**Disclaimer: I don't own the BBC show, Sherlock. I do, however, worship the ground on which it films.**

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**Hello! I'm glad you're at least taking the time to scan this, if not read it!**

**This is just a note from me to you saying that if you have any ideas you want me to put in, (example: a trip to the zoo, a babysitter, going shopping, baking cookies, etc.) then feel free to either PM me or tell me in the comments!**

**Thanks again!**

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"I thought you said she wouldn't be a handful!" John exclaimed as he peered into corners and under tables, looking for the familiar smiling face of Alberta-Jane.

"I'm sorry, John," Mrs. Hudson told him as she helped him look for the missing child. "It was my fault for not keeping an eye on her. I know you and Sherlock are busy, and I try to respect that, but I'm too old to keep up with her!"

"I understand," the doctor sighed as he opened up the cabinet where they kept AJ's favorite cereal. "I just hope she didn't find her way into the bureau that holds the slides again. The last time that happened she cut her palm on one of them."

"I remember. She didn't even cry."

They continued looking for a few more minutes until John opened the cupboard that he hid the sweets in.

"There you are!" he grumbled, kneeling to look AJ in the eyes. She clutched a cookie in her tiny hands, crumbs covering her chin and cheeks like her own little beard.

"Hi." She said quietly, struggling to hide the treat. Her small blue shirt had a small cartoon lamb on it, one of the few remnants of her life before 221B.

"Hand over the biscuit." John scolded her, snatching the cookie from her hands once AJ sheepishly forked over the pastry. "How many times have I told you not to eat these without asking one of us first?"

"A lot."

"Exactly. Now, I had to stop work just to find you, and you troubled Mrs. Hudson, too! What do you have to say to that?"

"I'm sorry," AJ said sadly as she exited the small confines of the wall unit. "I was hungry."

"Then you should have told us! And, biscuits are for _after _vegetables, remember?"

She nodded and waited for a punishment, her head hung low.

"This is the seventh time this month, AJ! How are you going to learn if you won't listen to me?" he asked her, taking her hand in his and leading her into the living room where Sherlock was tuning his violin. "No dessert for you tonight."

"Okay."

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It had only been three months since Alberta-Jane had come to live with them, but it had felt like three _years. _She was technically Mrs. Hudson's goddaughter (but, to be honest, John wasn't exactly sure. The whole thing was just confusing.) and the daughter of Mrs. Hudson's best friend's daughter. When the girl's parents both died in a car crash, she was handed over to the landlady with the simple instructions to: "please make sure she turns out right".

It seemed like a basic request at the time. However, she soon realized she wasn't ready for the challenge of raising a child. That's how it fell to Sherlock and John.

In the beginning, John had been slightly miffed at the turn of events. But, as time passed, he grew fond of the kid, and decided he might as well _try. _

After all, raising a kid couldn't be _that _hard, could it?

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"We can't keep avoiding the subject, Sherlock." John said as he worked on a blog post about their most recent case.

"Actually, I believe we can. And I certainly will."

"She's almost five. It's against the law if she doesn't go to Reception."

"When have I ever cared about the law, John?" Sherlock asked, turning slightly so he could face his friend and still lay on the couch.

"Well, _I _care." John told him, shooting a glare over the top of his computer. "We can't just keep her here forever."

"Why not?"

"I don't know! It's just mandatory for children to go to school starting at age five!"

"Fine. But you will have to arrange it."

"Good."

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"John?" AJ poked her head into the room, glancing around to see if she was disturbing something. "Will you play with me?"

John sighed quietly.

"I'm in the middle of something, AJ. Can't you wait?"

"Okay..." she said dejectedly, entering the study and placing her paper and crayons on the table. "Who is making dinner?"

"I don't know." John replied absentmindedly as his fingers flew across the keys. "I guess we could heat up some of the casserole Mrs. Hudson left us."

"But that's _gross_."

"Can you please be quiet? I really need to focus."

It was silent for a while, except for the taps of John using the computer and the occasional rustle of paper as AJ began using a red crayon to draw a giraffe.

"John?"

"Yes?"

"How many spots does a giraffe have?"

"It depends on the giraffe. Some have more than others."

"Mine is going to have four."

"Mm..." John nodded. "Good."

"One for me, one for you, one for Sherlock, and one for Mrs. Hudson."

John couldn't take it anymore. He closed his laptop, slid off his chair and sat next to AJ.

"Hand me the blue," he said, grabbing a blank sheet. "I'll make you a porpoise."

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**I hope you enjoyed it! There's more to come. But I'm in school now, and the workload is pretty heavy, so it might be a little slow.**


	2. Chapter 2- The Sitter Situation: Part 1

**Thanks for the review(s), guys! It really made me happy.**

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"Jesus! What _happened _here?" John yelled, surveying the flour and eggs that covered the walls of the kitchen.

"Sherlock helped me make pancakes!" AJ laughed, her honey-cloured hair covered in granulated sugar and dried milk.

"Dammit, Sherlock! What happened to 'not leaving AJ alone in the kitchen'?" John stomped over to the little girl and helped her off of the chair she had pulled over to the burners. He checked her for any injuries before dragging her into the study, ingredients crunching under his feet.

"You said a bad word, John!" AJ giggled as she trotted along with him, her sticky fist full of chocolate chips.

"Not now, honey." he said, finally arriving at the windows, where Sherlock was pacing. "She could have gotten hurt!"

"I told her to tell me if anything happened." the detective stated, as if it solved everything.

"Accidents happen, Sherlock." John sighed and picked a piece of an eggshell out of the child's hair. "But you can't leave a kid around a stove without supervision!"

"No, John! I'm fine!" AJ chirped, holding up her hands as if to prove that she wasn't in pieces. "I'm not hurt! I was smart!"

"Tell that to the wallpaper..." he grumbled. "And now we need to get you a bath."

"Leave her. We're going to be late to the symphony." Sherlock waved his hand.

"Why was she making pancakes at five, anyways? It's almost dinner."

"She said she wanted some."

"That doesn't mean you _have _to give her some!"

"I didn't. I just handed her the recipe."

"That's even worse!" John snarled before taking off his jacket and putting it on the back of the sofa. "Look, I have to get her washed up now. I'm not sure when the sitter will be here, but I don't want to leave this kind of mess for her."

"I'm messy!" AJ sang as John herded her towards the bathroom. "Messy, messy, messy! Messy!"

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After making sure that water wasn't too hot or too cold, John helped AJ undress and get into the tub.

"How did you get _this much _yolk on you?" he wondered, grabbing a bar of soap and handing it to the little girl.

"I tried to throw the eggs into the air like in movies, but they fell on me."

"Let's not try that again, okay?"

"Okay!" AJ splashed around for a while as John rolled up his sleeves and poured some shampoo into his palm.

"Alright, AJ," he said. "Close your eyes tight so you don't get soap in them!"

She did as instructed, and John lathered up her hair and scrubbed it into her scalp.

"Make me a hairdo!" AJ squealed happily. "Please?"

"Sure, sure..." Within seconds John had created a mow-hawk for her. "Let's rinse off now. Sherlock and I have to go somewhere tonight, so your bath won't be as long as usual."

"Okay." AJ complied as the doctor grabbed a small plastic cup and filled it with water, pouring it over her several times to gently rinse the soap away. "Where are you going?"

"We are going to watch people play music."

"Oh..."

John helped her out of the tub and pulled the plug, handing her a towel and grabbing a comb.

"Let's try and see who can finish our job first, okay?" John knew that by making it into a contest, AJ would immediately try her hardest to win, getting the task done faster. "I comb, you dry."

AJ won.

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"Okay, Sherlock." John had changed into a new, dry shirt and was ready to go out. "Are you set?"

"Yes." Sherlock gave a slight smile. It was only a flicker, and a faint one at that, but it was still a smile.

_Brrrrng! _The sound of the doorbell was accompanied by the sound of Mrs. Hudson opening the door and greeting the sitter.

"Oh, she's here. I just need to give her a few instructions before we leave."

After greeting the young woman and thanking her, John began to set a few guidelines.

"Her bedtime is seven-thirty, she is only allowed to have _one _cookie for dessert, no telly after five-thirty, make sure she finishes her vegetables and she's already had her bath. Oh, and be careful in the kitchen..." he wondered if he had forgotten anything, but it all seemed to be in order.

"I just want you two to know that I love that you aren't afraid to go in public and show your relationship," she smiled happily. "Very few couples that are in your position do that!"

"I'm not g-"

"Let's go, John." Sherlock cut in, marching out of the flat and down the stairs. "We're going to be late if this keeps up."

"Ah! Oh, yes!" John thanked the sitter again before rushing after Sherlock.

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"You must be Alberta-Jane!" the woman was overly cheerful in AJ's eyes. In her few years she had learned that when someone acted _too _happy they were either lying or trying to hide something.

"Call me AJ." she commanded, looking back down at her drawing. She missed John and Sherlock already. It was her first evening without them and she was a bit nervous.

"Alright, AJ! I'm Katie! What are you drawing?" the woman sat down on the rug next to her, her blonde ponytail swinging from side to side.

"A snail." AJ said happily, drawing the swirl on the snail's shell in purple. "A rainbow one."

"Wow! You're a great artist!"

"I bet I can beat you in a drawing contest." The child bragged, adding a yellow slime trail.

"Oh, I _bet_!"

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**That's the first part of the babysitter arc! I hope you guys liked it!**


	3. Chapter 3- The Sitter Situation: Part 2

**I'm so sorry, guys! I've been busy with my other fanfiction and I was also having a major case of writer's block! This is a really short chapter, so please forgive me. **

**(TT^TT) Please don't hate me...**

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Katie was beginning to panic. AJ had been missing for twenty minutes and no matter where the sitter looked, she couldn't seem to find a single trace of the child.

"AJ?" she called out, running through the flat and checking in closets and under beds. "This isn't funny, AJ!"

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Sherlock and John had just finished their dinner when the call came.

"Hm?" John took his cell out of his pocket and checked the number. "Hello?"

"Oh, Mr. Watson! I'm so sorry, but I can't seem to find AJ! One second she was in the kitchen and the next she was gone!"

"Calm down, Katie." John said soothingly. "This happens a lot. Your best bet to find her quickly is by either starting a movie from the green plastic box next to the telly. Those are the kid movies. If that's too much work you can just tell her that you're bringing out biscuits."

"Oh, I didn't think of that..."

"Of course she didn't," Sherlock muttered. "She's an idiot."

"Be quiet, Sherlock."

The detective scowled slightly and checked his messages.

"I forgot to mention it, but to help her get to sleep you should read her a story." John realized.

"Okay," Katie sighed in relief. "Thank you so much, Mr. Watson."

John said goodbye and shut his phone.

"I'm still unsure as to whether or not leaving AJ with a sitter was a good idea. She's kind of a handful."

"It will be alright." Sherlock said. "We'll be at the flat in an hour anyways."

* * *

"AJ! I have a biscuit for you!" Katie sang, shaking the container in the way a pet owner lures their animals into the carrier to take them to the vet.

The sudden appearance of the child caused Katie to jump.

"Where did you come from?" She gasped, clutching her chest.

"Biscuit." AJ demanded, holding out her sticky hand.

The sitter complied, handing the girl the treat and watching as she gobbled it up.

"It's almost bedtime."

"Okay. I need to brush my teeth." AJ trotted into the bathroom and stood on her tiptoes to reach thee toothbrush. "John always reads me a story before bed. Sometimes he even tells me about what he and Sherlock did that day."

"Mm," Katie nodded. "I'll go grab a book. Why do you call your fathers by their first names?"

"They aren't my daddies." AJ explained, the bubblegum flavored froth from her toothpaste coating her mouth. "My daddy is on a trip."

"Oh? Where?"

"I don't know. He went with my mum. Everyone was really sad about it, but they were always too busy to play with me. That's why I like living here. Everyone plays with me and both John and Sherlock are really smart. They teach me stuff all the time."

"Like what?" Katie asked as the child spat into the sink and rinsed her mouth.

"Yesterday Sherlock told me how to get away with a murder and how to hide a dead body 'properly'. Did you know there's a certain type of cemkal that turns peoples bodies to mush?"

"I think you mean 'chemical'... And, uh, no... I didn't know that." A drop of sweat snaked its way down Katie's back as she stared at the girl.

_What kind of parent teaches their kid that? _She wondered, helping AJ into bed and grabbing a storybook.

"W- what story do you want?"

"Three Billy Goats."

"Sure, sure!" Katie sighed in relief at the normal story and turned the page until she found the story. "Once upon a time there were three billy goats, who were to go up to the hillside to make themselves fat, and the name of all three was 'Gruff'."

Settling down into the small bed, she continued, showing AJ the pictures.

"On the way up was a bridge over a cascading stream they had to cross; and under the bridge lived a great ugly troll , with eyes as big as saucers, and a nose as long as a poker." she made a comical face a laughed. "How ugly!"

"What happened next?"

"So first of all came the youngest Billy Goat Gruff to cross the bridge..."

Ten minutes passed until they reached the end of the story.

_"It's I! The big Billy Goat Gruff ," said the billy goat, who had an ugly hoarse voice of his own._

_"Now I 'm coming to gobble you up," roared the troll._

_"Well, come along! I've got two spears,_  
_And I'll poke your eyeballs out at your ears;_  
_I've got besides two curling-stones,_  
_And I'll crush you to bits, body and bones."_

_That was what the big billy goat said. And then he flew at the troll, and poked his eyes out with his horns, and crushed him to bits, body and bones, and tossed him out into the cascade, and after that he went up to the hillside. There the billy goats got so fat they were scarcely able to walk home again. And if the fat hasn't fallen off them, why, they're still fat; and so,_

_Snip, snap, snout,_

_This tale's told out._

Katie stared at the page, her mouth open in surprise. This wasn't the ending she remembered... Looking over to AJ, she saw the child's sleep-filled eyes.

"Good night, AJ." she whispered, tucking her in and smiling.


End file.
